Our Journey

Preached February 18, 2008
at Mt. Hollywood Congregational Church, Los Angeles, CA

By Harold Kameya

Good morning!

We thank you, Rev. Schepel and the Mt. Hollywood Congregational Church for the privilege and the honor of speaking to during your Sunday worship service.

I would like to take you on an unexpected journey that my wife Ellen and I have been on.

Ellen and I were born and raised in Hawaii. We have spoken at your sister church, the Hollywood Independent Church. The Mt. Hollywood Congregational church is an important part of the history of Japanese Americans in Los Angeles, for your role in extending your Christian arms to help the displaced families during the dark internment camp period of WWII.

Our daughter came out to us in 1988. Those were the days before the world wide web on the internet. Newspapers and magazines carried very few articles on related topics. In many ways, our experience in 1988 might be similar to the many immigrant families in 2008, who discover or will discover that they have gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered children.

When our daughter came out in 1988, we were quite devastated. We lived in pain and anguish for a one and a half years until we found PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and started our journey. That was 20 years ago!

20 years ago. That was before Ellen DeGeneres, Will and Grace, before bookstores dedicated entire bookshelves on gay topics. In fact, in 1990, PFLAG had a project to purchase lgbt (lesbian,gay, bisexual, transgendered) books to donate to our public libraries because their books were so few and outdated. Librarians didn’t feel that they needed new books because so few of those books were ever checked out. Closer examination found that the books had worn pages because they were read in the library, but the readers were fearful of checking them out. They feared being traced.

We were attending to a Japanese American Presbyterian church 25 miles from home in 1988. After our daughter came out, I felt that I had a deep dark secret that suddenly made me not feel that we belonged. We were like all of the other families, but we now were different. I felt that the secret could not be shared with our pastor or church friends. (Please note that the issue of homosexuality had never been mentioned in the church to my knowledge.) Controversial topics in many Asian churches are typically addressed by SILENCE. On this issue, a feeling of Asian shame lay heavy on my shoulders.

I had served several terms as an elder on the Session. My term as chair of the board of trustees had just ended, and we slowly faded away from that church. We cautiously began to visit several churches in our area of Granada Hills. It was difficult to judge what the attitudes of a church or the minister might be, based on a single sermon on a single Sunday. (Imagine how much easier it would have been for us to see the words “Open and Affirming” on a church’s bulletin board, as you have on yours!)

We then heard that the Northridge Congregation Church, UCC was holding workshops on the issue of homosexuality. Imagine a church unafraid to use the “H” word, I felt! We paid them a visit and soon became members. They were going through the ONA process. They had a support group for lgbts and their parents!

Three events in 1990 stand out for me.

First, there was a Japanese American periodical newspaper called the Tozai Times. In 1990 we received an issue with the headline “A minority within a minority”. It was a full-page feature story about Japanese-American gays and lesbians. It just blew my mind…they had names and photos of a J-A gay and a lesbian!!! The audacity and courage to do that was unimaginable to me!

Secondly, the Asian Pacific Islander AIDS Intervention Team held an AIDS conference in Pasadena. For one of the workshops, Los Angeles PFLAG was asked to put on a panel. PFLAG told that it was important for us to be on the panel because we were Asian parents. We were so timid and fearful at that time and very afraid of cameras at that event, but we realized that we should participate.

A small group of a dozen Asian gay men heard us nervously tell our simple story. At the end of the panel, I was just astonished by the men coming up to hug us with tears streaming down their faces! They were so full of gratitude to hear for the first time, supportive Asian parents! And we didn’t do anything other than to tell our short simple story of discovering our child’s sexual orientation.

Thirdly, we were asked to speak on a PFLAG panel at the UCLA psychology class called “the Psychology of the Lesbian Experience”. We have spoken on the PFLAG panel annually now, for 20 years! Speaking there serves as a vitamin booster shot. The students are both gay and straight, expanding their minds about the human condition in the world we live in!

From 1990 on, we have been supported and nudged along, and gently pushed forward to stretch our limits of comfort. The people doing the pushing and nudging were initially our UCC ministers and church members at the Northridge congregational church. They were reinforced by other ministers throughout the UCC conference. Then there were the Japanese-American minister and church members at the West Valley United Methodist church, the UCC gay and straight Coalition, and other parents at PFLAG. Later, church members of the Hollywood Independent church joined us and marched with us in the gay pride parade.

In 1994, we spoke on a panel to an audience of 800 people at the PFLAG national convention in San Francisco. We later spoke to an audience of 300 Asian Pacific lesbians in San Francisco. Again, we were met with appreciative listeners with tears of gratitude and tears of hope. The tears were shed in the hope that their parents might one day be as supportive.

I must admit that the most feared speaking occasion was on a panel sponsored by the Japanese American Citizens League, JACL. Feared because in the audience would be Asian faces of people we knew, including friends from our old Japanese American church.

Taking John 8:32 out of context, it reads: “..and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

Perhaps you may have heard of the Nakatani family. They are the parents described in the book “Honor Thy Children”. They honor their 3 deceased children by speaking out on their behalf. Two died from AIDS, the other was killed in an act of random violence. In 1997, they appeared in Little Tokyo on a book tour, and we were asked to appear with them on a panel. We were nervous because we knew that the event would definitely be covered in the Japanese American newspaper. I was also nervous since my parents and father in law would be in town for the graduation of our sons. However, when we considered the tragic losses of the Nakatani family, it would have been shameful for us to decline to speak out with them. Our Christian faith and our sense of justice demanded that we do so!

We appeared on that panel and spoke our truth as we knew it. But prior to the panel, we had to come out to our parents! The truth did set us free! We now march in pride parades with signs that proclaim “We were blessed with a gay child” and “Proud Asian Mother of a gay kid”.

When Ellen began to carry the parade sign saying “Proud Asian mother of a gay kid” she frequently has had young people running up to her while marching and asking “Can I have a photo standing next to you?” Undoubtedly, they want a photo to show their parents an example of supportive parents. We now have been joined in parades by a proud Buddhist mother carrying the same sign!

What about today? SB777 was passed to unify various measures that protect students from discrimination based on characteristics such as disability, gender, nationality, race or ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation.

Focus on the Family has targeted the immigrant Chinese community with falsehoods on what SB77 does. Ads in Chinese newspapers have warned parents that children will be forced to shower with transgender people, and signs for male and female restrooms will be removed!

Sadly, SB777 is directed toward the intolerance that resulted in the loss of life of 15 year old Lawrence King of Oxnard, shot in the head by another student while in a classroom.

API PFLAG also works with a group called Calif. Faith Equality. The goal is to reach supportive church members with the message of the California Ring Campaign. I believe that ALL children have the right to find someone to love, to find companionship, and to marry anyone that they choose. I feel that ALL of MY children should have those very same rights, even my gay daughter.

We have learned that at some generally conservative Asian churches, that the issue of same-sex attraction is very polarizing. Fear and mistrust on the issue exists. There is a tall wall dividing those who wish to raise the issue and those whose ears are closed on the issue.

The younger members of those churches know that there is a large amount of acceptance in the general society, in business and in the academic world. They have a strong desire to reconcile their beliefs with what they observe, especially those with gay friends and coworkers that they know and respect.

The world is changing! For the past 10 years at least, I have looked back at the changes in public awareness and public acceptance for the previous 5 years and I have been amazed! To those still living in fear, I say “Keep the faith! Society IS slowly coming up to speed!”

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